Old Content:
Why Slipknot Sucks
January 18, 2008 by Kyle BradyTags: Metal
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"Reasons Why Slipknot Is Not Metal" (or, "The Story of Corey's Love of Crows"):
1) Any band that has more than one drummer (ok, or "percussionist") is obviously lacking talent. Unless you're some sort of orchestral band. Which Slipknot is not.
2) Singing through masks. Yep, using microphones through little mouth slits really helps make the sound a whole lot better.
3) Downtuning your guitars does not make you metal. Or talented. I tune my guitar down to approximately the same tuning they use, but I've earned the right to do so. You don't drop all your strings and just play open notes, chugging along hitting random strings. Learn to play, then decide what tuning you want.
4) Iowa? Fucking Iowa? Yeah, ok. If San Francisco was the birthplace of thrash, and pretty much all of metal... what is Iowa? The birthplace of cornfield piglovers who think Limp Bizkit is awesome?
5) Corey Taylor is decent. If you listen to Stone Sour, he does have talent, and can actually play what's called "music". Why he chooses to ignore this in Slipknot is beyond me. I'm pretty sure the masks are to hide his hideous face though. He looks like he has fucking Down Syndrome.
6) How many singers? How many guitarists? Uh huh? Really?
7) Most of Slipknot's fans involve teenagers who paint themselves up like they're in a Norwegian black metal band. You know who else's fans did this? KISS. They were pretty metal, weren't they? Space monsters are *so* heavy!
[eight]) Remember this thing called "nu metal" that involves rapping and metal at the same time? Let's review. Limp Bizkit no longer exists. Only two members of Korn are still around (but somehow they're still a band?). And the rockstars of the genre, Linkin Park, have given it up for a more radio-rock friendly sound. Why? Because it sucks, it was a terrible idea, and it was played out ad nauseam. Give it up like a virgin prom date, and disappear, please.
9) Any band who hides behind a massive stage set of puppets, fake blood, pyrotechnics, and other distractions really has no musical appeal whatsoever. Alice Cooper is Exhibit A. This does not include Judas Priest, Slayer, Metallica, or other bands who (again) have earned the right to do so.
10) Intelligence level? Let's see... there's an album titled "Mate.Feed.Kill.Repeat". Even Dimmu Borgir, one of the cheesiest black metal bands of all time who love to randomly name things, come up with better titles for albums and songs. And that includes "Puritannical Euphoric Misanthropia" and "Progenies of the Great Apocalypse".
11) Metal is not a dictionary definition. But I'll define it: "heavy, syncopated, and talented guitars (influenced by other genres and styles like Classical or Middle Eastern) combined with aggressive tempos, intricate and intense drumming, and aggressive vocals that breach dark, but highly intelligent and usually deep, material." Does this sound AT ALL like Slipknot?
That's about all I can come up with at the moment. But this is only the tip of the iceberg. Talk to anyone who listens to real metal, and tell them you love Slipknot... I bet they agree with you! And then stab you in the throat.
Edit (5/19/08): For a perfect example of how Slipknot fans have no idea what they're talking about, and cannot produce any intelligent arguments besides "NUH UH!", see Comment #3 below.
Kyle can be found on Twitter and MySpace, or reached via email.











