Why Coheed and Cambria Isn’t Emo

[this is in the same vein as "Why Slipknot Sucks"... someone asked me to say something about why Coheed and Cambria isn't emo, and here it is]

“Reasons Why Coheed and Cambria Isn’t Emo”

(or, “I’d Slit The Throats of Babies For You, My Love”)

1. Let’s go with the most obvious first. Why aren’t they emo? Because I don’t listen to emo, ever. That should be reason enough.
2. Emo “people” are usually seen wearing all sorts of makeup to make them look sad, fucked up haircuts that look like a mangy dog is sitting on their face, and ironic t-shirts that say things like “My Coffee Hates You”. Have you ever seen or heard of them doing anything like this?
3. If you’re emo, you like suicide, depression, and razor blades. As far as I know, they don’t like any of these either.
4. Let’s move on to actual music. What are the normal sounds in emo? A fusion of punk (and an obvious lack of talent), whining vocals, and either fast-paced but radio-friendly or slow and indie. Doesn’t that explain itself?
5. But seriously… lack of talent is a big key here. Coheed and Cambria are known for their esoteric song structure, not so much because it’s difficult to play, but because of the attention to detail and atmospheric qualities. “Welcome Home” is a perfect example of this, and could not be accomplished without being talented.
6. Coheed and Cambria jump genres like they’re crabs in a whorehouse. Transitions between “rock”, “acoustic”, and “anthemic metal” are found pretty regularly.
7. Epic guitars. As I said before, they’re known for song structure, which more often than not results in the “huge wall of amps” sound, complete with the occasional solo. Emo doesn’t do this, probably because they’re too busy crying about their dead kitten.
8. Lyrics. Coheed and Cambria get the award for “Weirdest Lyrics of All Time”, especially when you consider the song structure they sit on top of. Here’s some examples
   1. “Mother Superior” from “No World For Tomorrow”
      1. A fear sleeps inside your stomach…it swells
         A torn boy alone in need of fix and the pinch that cures the itch
         For too long, this little baby has cried on
         For tomorrow we’ll sing the words in song
         Of a time we’re glad is long gone
   2. “A Favor House Atlantic” from “Second Stage Turbine Blade”
      1. Good eye, sniper
         Here I’ll shoot, you run
         The words you scribbled on the walls
         With the loss of friends you didn’t have
   3. “In Keeping Secrets of Silent Earth” from “In Keeping Secrets of Silent Earth”
      1. Man your battle stations
         We’ll have you dead pretty soon
         Sincerely written from my brother’s blood machine
9. My personal favorite of Coheed is the ability to just completely shock you, with lyrics like “I’d slit the throats of babies for you, my love” while the music itself is light and airy, almost soothing. Evil at it’s best.
10. All of the lyrics somehow wind into an epic SciFi story, which are being made into comics now. I haven’t read it, but I hear it’s pretty good… and I’m pretty sure that’s not emo, because they can’t read. Since they’ve already cut out their eyeballs.
11. Finally, the biggest reason, Coheed has qualities that an emo band has never had, will have, or any other forms of verb tense: massive popularity, fans of all types (metal guys, girls, punk rockers, 40yr. old moms, etc.), talent, arena concerts, and… oh yeah, the ability to not want to kill themselves.

Did I mention “talent” yet?

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