SuperJesus, An Overview
I came across a pretty hilarious picture (ok, permutation) of Jesus the other day, and had some interesting thoughts as to what a situation with that kind of Jesus may have entailed. So, being me, I tracked down some other great versions of Jesus, and… here’s my interpretation of different kinds of Jesus and what he might be saying or doing.
It should also be noted that I stole these from random places across the Internet, where they had already lost any credible source or creator (so don’t email me saying I’m evil)… and I’m technically Catholic (grew up Catholic, then decided I’m Atheist/Agnostic in high school), so don’t yell at me about going to Hell.
click any of the pictures for larger versions
Badass Jesus
This is the posterchild for the NRA. Apparently Jesus invented shotguns 2000 years ago, and used them to defend himself from his enemies (like the Romans or Judas)… from a hilltop. I would have thought the Bible Belt’s gun-toting party members would have picked this up and ran with it by now. Especially after Joe Horn got cleared- just like he should be!
Cool Jesus
This is the Jesus you want to show up at your parties. Expensive sunglasses, open collared shirt, leather jacket, sweet facial hair, and an earring… he’s even cooler than Tom Cruise was in TopGun. And, hey, that “water into wine” trick? Probably comes in handy.
Dino Jesus
Don’t let anyone tell you different: Jesus lived during the time of the dinosaurs. It’s a well known fact that this BS known as “science” is just a bunch of lies, and dinosaurs were around much more recently than we’ve been told. If you poke around in the right places, you’ll find pictures of Jesus riding a dinosaur. Clearly we have been born 2000 years too late to have any fun.
Football Jesus
This isn’t just “Football Jesus”… this guy will serve you a Whopper in bed while executing a Hail Mary to his favorite receiver: God. God might be “the Big Guy”, but when it comes to football, Jesus calls the shots. And makes you burgers.
Goth Jesus
Not much to say here, besides that he obviously hates life and wants to die. Oh. Wait…
Rocker Jesus
“HELLLOOOOOOOO JERUSALEM! ARE YOU READY TO ROCKKKKKKKK? MY NAME’S JESUS, PREPARE TO HAVE YOUR FACES MELTEDDDDD! *guitar solo*”
Superhero Jesus
As the world’s first superhero, Jesus obviously greatly influenced Batman. He’s heavily muscled, angry, and ready to throw an old-fashioned beatdown on the “badguys”… who in this case, are probably the Romans. “*grunting noises* Alright. Who’s ready to bleeeeeeed?”
SuperJesus (different from “Superhero Jesus”)
Like Clark Kent, SuperJesus is that nice-guy farmboy you probably know, who just happens to have massive strength, ice breath, heat and X-Ray vision, super hearing, and, oh yeah, the ability to fly. He’ll give you a blessing from God, tell stories about how to be a better human, and then he might go fight evil as a secret identity. His Lex Luthor? The Devil. His Kryptonite? Probably a spear… or some wood and nails…
Tattoo Jesus
“Dude, check out this sweet tat I just got… instead of ‘Mom’, I got ‘Father’. You know, since I don’t really have a real mom and my dad’s the biggest Father ever, I figured why not? It’s not like it’s permanent… right?”
Thug Jesus
There are no words.
Zombie Jesus
He wants more than just your brains. He wants your soul! Well, he wants to eat your brains and save your soul, but what’s the difference? Either way you’re dead… but with this specific zombie, you have a better post-death experience than, say, the ones from Resident Evil.
Pissed Jesus
He will LITERALLY smack you in the face. No questions asked. As long as there’s a rumor about making fun of his brothers or sleeping with his mom… you’re in trouble. When that mighty hand hits you in the face, it doesn’t just leave a visible 5-star. He 5-star’s your soul too.
