Old Content:

My Voting Experience… Of Satan

November 8, 2008 by Kyle Brady
Tags: 2008 Elections, Hilarious, Reflection, Religion, Satanism, Voting
As required by the FTC, a Full Disclosure is available - this piece adheres to the Code of Ethics

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For my "Argumentative Writing" class, I could get extra credit by reflecting on my voting experience... what I did to prepare as well as the actual voting itself.

So, naturally, I wrote it as if I were a Satanist (which I'm not).  Why?  Because...

1. It's funny.


2. It's a reflection... I can't be wrong.


3. If it's rejected on the basis of Satanism, that's religious discrimination.

See?  It's a win-win situation for everyone.

Here it is, in full.

p.s. Wikipedia was very helpful.

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My Voting Experience As A Satanist

In preparing to vote on November 4^th, I carefully considered each candidate and proposition in relation to the principles and needs of my Dark Lord and Master, Satan. As a student of His Dark Teachings, I have become intimate with many of the philosophies that help to guide individuals such as me through the joyous and celebration-filled event that is life. Consequently, making decisions on items such as Proposition 8 were very easy, while others, such as Proposition 1A, were considerably less “black and white.”

I consulted my local Grand Master, talked with fellow Satanists, and communed with the Dark Lord, all in attempts to supplement my avid research in the Satanic Bible. And, thankfully, in the end I was able to discern the answers to all of my prayers and questions without much difficulty, and prepared notes on what I would be voting for. The only truly difficult moment in the decision making process occurred at the monthly Black Mass the week prior to the election, where I participated in the ritual of Vierendelen in order to speak directly with Our Master.

The night before voting, I prayed to the Dark Lord, asking Him to forgive me and my future sins, as I was going to break one of the Eleven Satanic Rules of the Earth- “do not give your opinions or advice unless you are asked.” I had interpreted this to include an election, since they want your opinion, but as they do not ask directly, it poses a philosophical issue.

On the day of the Election, I went to my local polling place and found there to be no lines, but instead found many of the volunteers to be Sinners. Specifically, those who defied the laws of Stupidity, Self-Deceit, Herd Conformity, Forgetfulness, and Lack of Aesthetics, as most of them were slow, in both mind and body, aging clay-like individuals. However, even though they were bothering me, I defied the 11^th Rule, and did not destroy them, as I have been told to. I will truly pay for my ignorance in the Everlasting Eternity.

To actually vote involved an inane and old-fashioned paper ballot system, of which I was appalled to actually have to complete. Instead of lowering myself to the common level of the human cows, I used my Lesser Magic to complete the ballot for me, and turned it in to the cowering, quivering blob that I can only assume was lesser individual.

While the preparation took days, the actual voting required only a quick few minutes of my time, and I was more than glad to do my duty to Satan, allowing others to access my undefiled wisdom.

Old Content posts are leftovers from a less structured, less civilzed era that are kept for posterity.
Kyle can be found on Twitter and MySpace, or reached via email.