Kyle Brady: Blog » Hilarious

My Voting Experience… Of Satan [Old Content]

Kyle Brady — Sat, 08 Nov 2008 17:58:15 +0000

For my "Argumentative Writing" class, I could get extra credit by reflecting on my voting experience... what I did to prepare as well as the actual voting itself.

So, naturally, I wrote it as if I were a Satanist (which I'm not). Why? Because...

It's funny.

It's a reflection... I can't be wrong.

If it's rejected on the basis of Satanism, that's religious discrimination.

See? It's a win-win situation for everyone.

Here it is, in full.

p.s. Wikipedia was very helpful.

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My Voting Experience As A Satanist

In preparing to vote on November 4^th, I carefully considered each candidate and proposition in relation to the principles and needs of my Dark Lord and Master, Satan. As a student of His Dark Teachings, I have become intimate with many of the philosophies that help to guide individuals such as me through the joyous and celebration-filled event that is life. Consequently, making decisions on items such as Proposition 8 were very easy, while others, such as Proposition 1A, were considerably less “black and white.”

I consulted my local Grand Master, talked with fellow Satanists, and communed with the Dark Lord, all in attempts to supplement my avid research in the Satanic Bible. And, thankfully, in the end I was able to discern the answers to all of my prayers and questions without much difficulty, and prepared notes on what I would be voting for. The only truly difficult moment in the decision making process occurred at the monthly Black Mass the week prior to the election, where I participated in the ritual of Vierendelen in order to speak directly with Our Master.

The night before voting, I prayed to the Dark Lord, asking Him to forgive me and my future sins, as I was going to break one of the Eleven Satanic Rules of the Earth- “do not give your opinions or advice unless you are asked.” I had interpreted this to include an election, since they want your opinion, but as they do not ask directly, it poses a philosophical issue.

On the day of the Election, I went to my local polling place and found there to be no lines, but instead found many of the volunteers to be Sinners. Specifically, those who defied the laws of Stupidity, Self-Deceit, Herd Conformity, Forgetfulness, and Lack of Aesthetics, as most of them were slow, in both mind and body, aging clay-like individuals. However, even though they were bothering me, I defied the 11^th Rule, and did not destroy them, as I have been told to. I will truly pay for my ignorance in the Everlasting Eternity.

To actually vote involved an inane and old-fashioned paper ballot system, of which I was appalled to actually have to complete. Instead of lowering myself to the common level of the human cows, I used my Lesser Magic to complete the ballot for me, and turned it in to the cowering, quivering blob that I can only assume was lesser individual.

While the preparation took days, the actual voting required only a quick few minutes of my time, and I was more than glad to do my duty to Satan, allowing others to access my undefiled wisdom.

Apartment Building Drama [Old Content]

Kyle Brady — Thu, 02 Oct 2008 06:54:41 +0000

Look what I just found outside my apartment door.

It's a pretty funny "manifesto" calling the tenants to action against the not-so-legal actions of the building manager (Laura) and the management company.

Check it out, it's worth it.

Oh, and it's signed "Anonymous of Vendome Place Apartments" which is pretty awesome, methinks.

SuperJesus, An Overview [Old Content]

Kyle Brady — Tue, 01 Jul 2008 01:37:20 +0000

I came across a pretty hilarious picture (ok, permutation) of Jesus the other day, and had some interesting thoughts as to what a situation with that kind of Jesus may have entailed. So, being me, I tracked down some other great versions of Jesus, and... here's my interpretation of different kinds of Jesus and what he might be saying or doing.

It should also be noted that I stole these from random places across the Internet, where they had already lost any credible source or creator (so don't email me saying I'm evil)... and I'm technically Catholic (grew up Catholic, then decided I'm Atheist/Agnostic in high school), so don't yell at me about going to Hell.

click any of the pictures for larger versions

Badass Jesus

This is the posterchild for the NRA. Apparently Jesus invented shotguns 2000 years ago, and used them to defend himself from his enemies (like the Romans or Judas)... from a hilltop. I would have thought the Bible Belt's gun-toting party members would have picked this up and ran with it by now. Especially after Joe Horn got cleared- just like he should be!

Cool Jesus

This is the Jesus you want to show up at your parties. Expensive sunglasses, open collared shirt, leather jacket, sweet facial hair, and an earring... he's even cooler than Tom Cruise was in TopGun. And, hey, that "water into wine" trick? Probably comes in handy.

Dino Jesus

Don't let anyone tell you different: Jesus lived during the time of the dinosaurs. It's a well known fact that this BS known as "science" is just a bunch of lies, and dinosaurs were around much more recently than we've been told. If you poke around in the right places, you'll find pictures of Jesus riding a dinosaur. Clearly we have been born 2000 years too late to have any fun.

Football Jesus

This isn't just "Football Jesus"... this guy will serve you a Whopper in bed while executing a Hail Mary to his favorite receiver: God. God might be "the Big Guy", but when it comes to football, Jesus calls the shots. And makes you burgers.

Goth Jesus

Not much to say here, besides that he obviously hates life and wants to die. Oh. Wait...

Rocker Jesus

"HELLLOOOOOOOO JERUSALEM! ARE YOU READY TO ROCKKKKKKKK? MY NAME'S JESUS, PREPARE TO HAVE YOUR FACES MELTEDDDDD! *guitar solo*"

Superhero Jesus

As the world's first superhero, Jesus obviously greatly influenced Batman. He's heavily muscled, angry, and ready to throw an old-fashioned beatdown on the "badguys"... who in this case, are probably the Romans. "*grunting noises* Alright. Who's ready to bleeeeeeed?"

SuperJesus (different from "Superhero Jesus")

Like Clark Kent, SuperJesus is that nice-guy farmboy you probably know, who just happens to have massive strength, ice breath, heat and X-Ray vision, super hearing, and, oh yeah, the ability to fly. He'll give you a blessing from God, tell stories about how to be a better human, and then he might go fight evil as a secret identity. His Lex Luthor? The Devil. His Kryptonite? Probably a spear... or some wood and nails...

Tattoo Jesus

"Dude, check out this sweet tat I just got... instead of 'Mom', I got 'Father'. You know, since I don't really have a real mom and my dad's the biggest Father ever, I figured why not? It's not like it's permanent... right?"

Thug Jesus

There are no words.

Zombie Jesus

He wants more than just your brains. He wants your soul! Well, he wants to eat your brains and save your soul, but what's the difference? Either way you're dead... but with this specific zombie, you have a better post-death experience than, say, the ones from Resident Evil.

Pissed Jesus

He will LITERALLY smack you in the face. No questions asked. As long as there's a rumor about making fun of his brothers or sleeping with his mom... you're in trouble. When that mighty hand hits you in the face, it doesn't just leave a visible 5-star. He 5-star's your soul too.